Hold it right there — you've been caught red-handed, see. The best this city has to offer? Well, the cat's outta the bag, thanks to you and your piehole!

We would never kiss and kill, but this year's picks for Metro Times' Best of Detroit are to die for. No, we didn't hire a private eye to uncover the goods, baby. Once again, we left the fate of metro Detroit's best restaurants, bars and clubs, drinks, shops and services, casinos, and artists in the hands of you birds, coppers, dicks, dames, and babes. Is your favorite watering hole a low-down, dirty secret? Or maybe your preferred place to throw back a cup of joe and shoot the shit before you get thrown in the cooler has gone full fuzz? Don't go batty and throw your mitts about — if your favorite didn't make the cut, just turn a page and try something new, because this year's list takes the cake. Capisce? — MT staff

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We're going to let you in on a secret: metro Detroit has the best talent on this side of the Mason-Dixon line, sugar. Not only that, but we're flush with places for these folks to shine like a lucky penny. It doesn't take a sleuth to know that Detroit's Milwaukee Junction is home to the best art space, Tangent Gallery & Hastings Street Ballroom, which hosts everything from erotic art shows (oh, my!), burlesque performances, an annual Star Wars-themed bash (what's a Star War?), and moving-picture festivals. Don't be a stiff when it comes to Detroit's Movement festival, which cinched the deal for best music festival for its lineup of world-renowned DJs and electronic artists. Think you're a real gumshoe? Disguise your mug at Youmacon — a celebration of Japanese art, culture, and anime, and metro Detroiters' vote for best people watching. It's not all goofy games and getting blackout smoked, though. We also know how to get down and lay low (if that's your bag). Ferndale's Otus Supply is the best place to catch a jam band, and The Ark in Ann Arbor snagged best folk venue. And capturing all the fun is Dontae Rockymore, the humdinger voted best photographer.

So, you want to cut a rug, throw back some eel juice, and get smoked? Lucky for you, metro Detroit's bars and clubs are hitting on all eights, baby. Corktown rock bar UFO Factory narrowly escaped the big sleep after a construction accident nearly put the kibosh on the joint (buzz off, big development) and came back roaring, establishing itself as metro Detroit's best karaoke bar. The latest down the wire is Wayne County's best new spot, Willis Show Bar — a stylish jazz club and cocktail lounge that has been restored to its former glory, where you can catch birds, broads, and canaries sing just about any day of the week. Can't decide where to dip the bill? Detroit's upscale food hall Fort Street Galley was voted best place to day drink, ya boozehounds. But for anyone looking to bump gums at a cheap dive, look no further than Royal Oak's Gusoline Alley, where you can get smashed without going broke. Best electronic club (and Movement afterparty haven) went to Marble Bar in Detroit, Pontiac's Elektricity scored best dance club, and Ann Arbor hotspot Necto snagged best gay bar. Wanna dip with a real dish? Newly renamed Aretha's Jazz Cafe (formerly Music Hall's Jazz Cafe) beat out some stiff competition for best jazz club. And the best speakeasy goes to Johnny's, but don't tell 'em we sent you. So, make a clean sneak with this thick list of places to hide out and jive.

As usual, Detroit remains a sure bet when you want to hit the casinos and maybe win some scratch. MGM Grand Detroit won Best Casino Hotel and Best Casino Table Games. The Best Poker can allegedly be found at MotorCity Casino Hotel, the Best Slots are at Greektown Casino, and the Best Players Club is a hop, skip, and a jump across the river at Caesars Windsor. Fancy some entertainment? MotorCity Casino Hotel copped the Best Casino to See a Show. When it comes time to stuff your yap, Iridescence at MotorCity Casino Hotel won Best Casino Restaurant and The Assemby Line Buffet at MotorCity Casino Hotel won Best Casino Buffet. Beyond our fair burg, Mount Pleasant's Soaring Eagle Casino & Resort copped Best Up North Casino.

Want to nibble one? Have a smell from the barrel? Tip a few? Be out on the roof? Good news, friends, because the Motor City is a drinking town. If beer is your pick of poison, brewpubs abound — Batch Brewing Co. is Wayne County's finest, Kuhnhenn Brewing Co. is the best in Macomb County, The Royal Oak Brewery is Oakland County's top dog, and Wolverine State Brewing Co. is the best Washtenaw County has to offer. The best Michigan beer comes from Founder Brewing Co., and you can wet your whistle at their Detroit taproom, which opened a couple years ago. Who knew? Michigan also has a top-notch tequila maker with Teeq Tequila. And Vivio's has your best bloody Mary — you know, for the next morning, when you need some of the hair from the dog that bit you.

Chew on this: There's plenty of dining options in metro Detroit, and our readers did the hard work of sleuthing out the best. You can start off with the most important meal of the day with a cup of joe and a reader-voted best breakfast at the Dime Store (Wayne), Ken's Cozy Cafe (Macomb), Toast (Oakland), or Zingerman's Roadhouse (Washtenaw). Speaking of java, if you want to root for the little guy over the big corporations, readers like independent joints like Detroit's Red Hook (Wayne), Royal Oak's Atomic Coffee (Oakland), Warren's The Dovetail (Macomb), and Ypsilanti's Cultivate Coffee and Tap House (Washtenaw). As far as bigger bites go, Corktown's Lady of the House scored best restaurant in Wayne County, while Ferndale's Otus Supply won in Oakland County, Sterling Heights' Italian joint Andiamo nailed it in Macomb County, and Ypsi's Bona Sera Restaurant earned top kudos in Washtenaw County. Got a hankering for shiny and new? Best new restaurants include Cork and Gabel (Wayne) for its fusion of German, Irish, and Italian dishes; Testa Barra (Macomb) for its creative take on Italian; Antihero (Oakland) for its stylish take on the Japanese izakaya watering hole, Standard Bistro & Larder (Washtenaw) for its take on French cuisine. And for you night owls who just need a quick fix, staple Lafayette Coney Island won the spot as the best late-night joint.

One thing is true — metro Detroit knows how to blow through scratch even if they're strapped. It doesn't take a sly snooper to deduce that we've got the lowdown on goods when it comes to, well, goods. Swing by Detroit's best marijuana provisioning center, Utopia Gardens, for tip-top reefer, and hop in your boiler for trip to Belle Isle, the winner for best visitor experience. Need some tunes to go with that jazz cabbage? Take a spin through Trax N Wax (Macomb), Found Sound (Oakland), Underground Sounds (Washtenaw), and Dearborn Music (Wayne) as the best record stores by county. Don't be a boob — just peep a pair at Penthouse, voted best strip club, or get yours properly fitted at best bra shop, Bravo Intimates. If you ever should find the coppers hot on your tail, get on the horn and get the pick for best attorney, Geoffrey Fieger, on the case. And once you're out of the big house, grab yourself a Faygo, the top pop and winner for best Michigan-made product — you've earned it, baby.